Lisolette Gilcrest

Chick Artists?

2009-07-26T20:20:00.000-04:00

So here is some interesting trivia: The Erotic Signature is featuring 158 artists from around the world... guess how many are women? Only 25 or so.

The Erotic Review just published it's annual anthology to feature the best erotic photographer in the world and featured 81 photographers... guess how many ladies? About 5. (I'm giving rough estimates, because we are never truly sure of gender of artists based on their attempts at privacy, but those guesses are not off by more than 5 in one direction or the other.)

So what does that mean? Only about 15% of the art featured by two of the largest erotic art promoters in the world is from female artists... Interesting, huh? What does it all mean (if anything at all)?

Creepy?

2009-07-16T00:35:00.002-04:00

http://drlightness.blogspot.com/2009/07/call-me-creepy.html

http://sunnycjj.deviantart.com/art/Passion-in-Black-and-White-129215332

Wow... this all seems terribly unfair AND taken out of context.

I was the person who said that the written description your photograph had contained a leap in a train of thought that was not immediately evident and that the description you wrote came across as creepy.

I said it to you as a friend and a colleague and not with any nasty or malicious intent. I understood where your train of thought started and where it stopped and understood the comment in the context, but told you that the two juxtaposed together did not come across well. If you don't agree with me, why did you take your original description down?

I disagree with your statement that my judgment (of those two things juxtapositioned was creepy) means: "If someone finds a work that depicts consenting adults 'perverted,' then it says more about the mental state of the accuser than the intentions of the photographer."

I thought the photograph was lovely and so was your blog about your dad. However, when you take a picture of a Fitness101 about to dive into your pussy and then put in the written description of "[this makes me think of my dad...]" I think it's an odd (and creepy) combination.

If this is truly an attempt at introspection, then the focus should not have been on the adjective, but rather the fact that someone thought something you did/said was odd and had the courtesy and dignity to tell you so honestly, especially when the comment starts out "I heart Unbearable Lightness..."

©POP, Dirty Show, and Expeditions!

2008-12-09T18:45:00.003-05:00

What a whirlwind past few months! After exhibiting at the Second Annual People’s Arts Festival in September and in the "Images We Love" exhibit at River’s Edge Gallery throughout October and November, I’m gearing up for my next exhibit at ©POP Gallery. Be sure to read more about the “©POPpor2nity Showcase” which opens this Saturday, December 13th, including the Metromix Interview featuring my work!

After securing my River’s Edge and ©POP Gallery shows, I really felt like I needed to document and celebrate my journey these past couple of years and as such the book “Expeditions: A Compendium of the Erotic Photograph of Lisolette Gilcrest” is being released in early 2009! For more information on how to pre-order your copy of this limited first edition, be sure to visit the exclusive preview page! (Be sure to reserve your copy through me - do NOT order it directly from Lulu, as it is not the full book - this was the only way to provide a preview to you!)

My next goal is to prepare for The Dirty Show X – the tenth anniversary of one of the largest international erotic art shows in Northern America! For anyone else who might be interested in submitting their art, be sure to visit Dirty’s Call for Art webpage… but hurry… the deadline is this Monday, December 15th so you only have one week left to join in!

Wiki Wiki What? That’s right… Apparently you can search for me on Wikipedia and who knows what you will find or what will soon be added... how bizarre... and fun!

Call for Art

2008-11-26T03:50:00.003-05:00

Dirty Show 10th Anniversary
The Greatest Erotic Art Show On Earth!
February 6 - 14 , 2009 • Detroit, USA

The Dirty Show® X is your opportunity to be part of history.

The Dirty Show® started ten years ago because it was what "we" wanted. None of us could have believed that the Dirty Show® would have evoled into the gigantic international art exhibition that it is today. Not the amount of art displayed or the multitudes of patrons, but the imagination and quality of the erotic works we hang on the walls. Participating artists continue to amaze and astound us with their vision. This year we are not only making the Dirty Show® bigger, with added exhibit space and an expanded museum store, but we are planning simultaneous satellite Dirty Shows® located all over the world. This will allow artists even more erotic opportunities, and help create a greater sense of community worldwide.

We hope to commemorate this show with a book, as well as additional on-line opportunities for artists to sell their work, and a “best of” tour.

This is THE show you want to be in.

In addition, this year we are offering over $1,000 in cash and prizes, including $500 for Best of Show (any category), as well prizes for Painting, Photography, Sculpture, New Media and All Around Dirtiest.

For more information on how to submit your work for consideration to the Dirty Show®, please visit:

http://www.dirtyshow.org/CallForSubmissions10.htm

Tell them Lisolette sent you!

Privacy Revoked

2008-11-12T13:08:00.015-05:00

So I recently contacted a friend in the industry who was acting a bit "strange" about their identity and I couldn't figure out what was going on... I was concerned for them and so I sent them a message to ask if everything was okay and found out that it, in fact, was not. It seems that someone saw their work, figured out who was behind it and revealed their work to everyone that my friend knows. They were mortified.

I can't blame them. I've been there before... So this is what I wrote to them and I'm sharing it with all of you, in case you ever find yourself there, too:

"It's devastating, I know... it was my sister who discovered the works and my favorite aunt that threatened to call Child Protective Services. It's people that are scared of this work, scared to recognize the beauty in what many of us are taught to think is 'dirty' - which is sometimes just the beauty of the naked body. I don't know all of the details of your saga, but here is what I did: I owned it. I told everyone involved that I was proud of my work, that I loved it - I loved doing it and I loved showing it. I thought there was great beauty in the expression of my art and though I wasn't thrilled about my dad seeing me naked, there was no shame in my art.

"Once in a while, I'll make a joke about my 'porn career' to acknowledge to them that some might consider it uncouth, however, once I owned my art and once I told them how much I loved it and was proud of it - my mom and dad both came around. My dad mattes and frames my art now, he's looked at my portfolio, he's looked at the journalism pictures I took of the Dirty Show, and even expressed interest in possibly going to some of my shows in the future. My mom will look at the art in the privacy of our home, but won't go to the exhibits. I don't know you would feel about this and whether or not you feel free to say that you're not ashamed, but - just like taking off your clothes - it can be quite liberating and often shuts up critics. They'll only gossip (at least most people) if they think you're embarassed. The cat's out of the bag now... so don't try to hide it anymore."

So here's to freedom... I'll raise the toast with a sampling of self-portraits, some old and some new...

Renewed and Re-nude

2008-11-11T16:21:00.009-05:00

Okay... so I know I go in spurts with my blog, but this time I think this is going to become a regular thing. There were some forces at work against me and my art and now those forces are less of a threat. I know it's cryptic, but trust me and be glad that I am a lot less censored now.

Anyways, I have been diving back into art and creating new images and thought I'd share some new pieces... I'll gab some more later, but for now... enjoy!

Familiar Themes

2008-09-21T01:20:00.004-04:00

It's funny how I keep coming back to the same questions:

#1 - What am I going to do with my career?
#2 - Why share art?

I had an amazing time last weekend at the Streetwise Art Gallery at the second Annual People's Arts Festival. I got to meet Joe Crachiola and got to see VATO, A. Owen Layne, DVS, Eric Cain (the newest member of the Mid West Society of Erotic Photography), Gary Mitchell, Iris Dassault, RJ Berry, Mary40 an Mr. and Mrs. BT Charles!

While there I had a very long conversation with BT and his wife and it really inspired me. I mentioned to BT that I was really struggling with where to go with my art for a few reasons. First and most importantly, I'm head over heels in love with a man whom I want to spend the rest of my life. This is fantastic! Not through anything that he has ever asked of me, this is all completely something that I've been experiencing on my own and it's really very strange for me to say, but...

I don't want to share myself in any way with anyone else. Why is this strange? I've always been very open about everything in my life, whether it was sexual or not. I remember telling my mom that I wasn't a virgin anymore after about a year or two and my mom's response was, "Yeah... duh..." Hell, my dad even helps me matte and frame my art. So what's the problem? Well, I wouldn't call it a "problem" but it is a new emotion that I am experiencing... and I think it's modesty.

Erotica is a very personal thing for people to share... when you're looking at my photographs you are spying in on my dreams, curiousities, fantasies and even my quirkiness. Every time one of my pieces goes up on a wall, other people get to walk by and be a virtual voyeur into what is sexy to me and that is so very surreal. I have always loved watching people walk by my stuff and whispering and pointing to it. I love invoking reactions because it's a way of communicating without saying a word to them.

There's nothing new or kinky in my repertoire of fantasies (though there are definitely some things that haven't made it to print yet!), so what's my deal? Well... when I began, many of my portraits were of myself because I didn't have any one else to pose for me. I was too shy to ask others to model and even these days it's sometimes difficult to ask others, so I often default to just posing myself. There is also an advantage to posing in your own photographs because then you can feel like you are really emoting and expressing what it is that you want to share... versus trying to express it to a model, who will then express it to your audience.

But now? I don't know... I don't want anyone to see me in that way, but him. So, for now, the way around it is to work with other models... certainly no shame in that.

The other question is... why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep sharing my art? I've already partially answered this in this post, when referring to those who walk by and point to my work and smile. However, here's the sidebar to this question... when I was walking through the Streetwise Gallery, I was saying, "Yep... that's definitely a Frank Piccolo, definitely a Dave Levingston, definitely and Irakly Shanidze, definitely a Patty Izzo..." and so forth. It seems like every artist has their own style, or better stated, signature. I'm not sure that I do. I don't know if that's because I'm still so new to all of this or if it's because I just don't have one "style." I'm not even sure this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I think there is part of me that wants people to walk by and say, "Yeah... that's definitely a Lisolette Gilcrest." Like many others, I want to be able to leave my mark on the world.

BT and his wife had many kind words for me and some great advice... they (and others in the past have) said that "there's just something" about my work that draws them back. After the show, one of the aforementioned visitors sent me a message to say, "There is something very unique about your photos and I can't really put a finger on it at the moment... but... I like them very much. At any rate you are gutsy and I like it."

So what is this "something?!?" I feel like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas trying to bottle the magic. BT's advice? "Stop trying. Stop thinking. Just keep doing what you're doing, because it's great." That felt so nice to hear and reminded me all over again why I love him so much. Not just because he said something nice, but his sage wisdom and his very daoist worldview.

So where does that leave me? Well, I have several shoots scheduled with brand new model collaborators over the next few weeks, including one tomorrow... so stay tuned!

Survey

2008-09-21T01:18:00.004-04:00

An interview with Chris St. James of Univers d'Artistes...

How are you selling your photos these days? Galleries? Community websites? Your site? Exhibitions? Publications? Other?
Most of the first inquries about my art begin online... the majority of sales inquiries come from my official website and from deviantART, although I have also had great luck in selling my art at exhibitions in the kiosks. I have also heard that many photographers have had great luck selling their images on eBay, which I haven't tried, but I am considering because I would like to find more people to expose to my art. To be honest, I haven't really pushed selling the art, I've been more interested in just sharing the art. It is still quite surreal to me that others take my art, which is a very personal expression of my imagination and fantasies, and put it in their homes.

When somebody orders a print for private use, do you dedicate it?
As a general rule, I do not dedicate my prints unless specifically asked to. I do this to avoid lowering the resale value, as I know several of my collectors like to buy multiple pieces of my art during special opportunities and then resell or share them with others.

Do you make numbered series mounted on gallery quality?
Yes, I try to provide the best product with archival quality because I want my prints to last as long as possible for people to enjoy them!

How many per Series?
This is an interesting story... when I was first approached by a collector who wanted something of mine in a Limited Edition, I had never really given thought to how it was supposed to be done, so I went to several other artists to gain a better understanding of what exactly is "Limited Edition" for a digital photograph and how it could be "limited." The answers were all the same, in that there is no standard for the number in a Limited Edition series. Many people go with a nice round number like 10, 25, 50, 100, and even up to 500, 1,000 and 5,000. In my opinion, if there are 5,000 other copies of the photograph that I just purchased, it isn't very limited, so I decided to go with something under 100. When I heard that another Streetwise Artist went with the number "33" because it was his lucky number, I decided to go with own lucky number and so my Limited Edition series always go to 27. As another side note, the number 6 (another lucky number) is reserved for myself to give to close friends and the number 27 is reserved for exchanges with other artists. Occasionally, I will do a piece that is limited to one (1) print, just to mix things up and to keep my collectors on their toes!

How do you give to your client a real high resolution print? Do you use a high quality lab? How do you ensure the prints are available on time?
I use an online provider that does top notch work, with beautiful, crisp clarity and I usually print on Kodak ENDURA Metallic Paper because it really makes the photograph pop. The online print shop has all of my prints ready to ship and delivered within 72 hours.

What about frames? Do you send the photo with and/or without?
I am hesitant to send my art out in frames, at least frames with glass because the potential for the print to be damaged is so high that I'd rather just avoid it... especially if it's a Limited Edition print, but I will do it if the investor is willing to pay for the shipping, handling and insurance associated with such a delicate ship.

Who frames? You? The lab? Who chooses?
I always frame my own art for hanging in galleries and at exhibitions... not only do I hand select the frames, but my father mattes every piece, unless there's a stunning pre-cut matte that really complements the photograph.

How much time do you need to be comfortable from the order to the delivery?
Approximately one week. If I don't already have the print on hand, my printer gets things to me in three days... that, combined with the time needed to pack and ship it, means that most of my prints will take upwards of a week to get to the collector.

Do you handle the delivery?
I will personally deliver the art if I have the time and opportunity. Last summer, I flew out to Las Vegas and personally delivered a piece to one of my collectors there... I love getting the opportunity to meet my collectors, to see their faces when they get the piece and to talk to them about why they enjoy it.

What about other products? Calendars, mugs, postal cards...?
I've had this fun debate with many of my colleagues, some of whom think that these commercial products cheapen the art. I disagree... I think if you want one of my prints on a mug or a magnet or even a mouse pad, fantastic! I also recently started shooting a fun series which was intentionally meant for post cards and they've been a huge success! My thoughts are that it doesn't matter how the art is shared and displayed, as long as the person who is purchasing it is going to enjoy it and be able to share it with others.

What is your advice to avoid the inexperienced errors?
#1 - Make sure that your computer screen is color calibrated with your print shop. This way you can be sure not to see one thing on your monitor and be disappointed when something slightly (or even majorly) different comes out. I had one piece, "The Eye of Pele" which is a digital painting in yellows, oranges and reds, but when I first had it printed several areas of the print came out green! I rectified it quickly and fortunately the collector was very understanding...

#2 - Learn your printing options (i.e. glossy, matte, lustre, canvas, metallic). Depending on the type of paper that you print your art on, your piece will look different and the paper format can really add or detract from the mood and focus of the piece. There are certain pieces that I have that I will only print on canvas or metallic, which seem to be my two personal preferences, but everyone will develop their own preferences and style.

#3 - Let your collectors dictate your inventory. Don't immediately purchase 1,000 copies of something that you're sure will be a favourite... surprisingly, the ones that were the most personal to me and I did not think others would connect with have done the best in terms of sales, while others that I thought had tremendous appeal to large populations haven't always done as well as I thought they might. It's an intriguing way of getting feedback from those who love your art.

What could help you?
Knowing what others do, too! This whole thing is a constant learning process, with new techniques, print shops and mediums available. I'd love to hear what other photographers are doing these days and share tips and tragedies! So let's hear it!

My Career...?

2007-11-24T00:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a very hectic past few months, especially since August and September and I'm finally getting around to posting up a few new things and some brief updates. I have to admit, however, that I'm feeling especially guilty for not having been as engaging and active here as I had been until then. I have a great number of fans and supporters and I know that you all will say things like, "You take care of you... and your family..." because you are all so wonderful, but I still feel that in some ways I've disappointed some by not being around so much. (I even got one nasty series of letters from the Corset Fetish Club guy because I wasn't contributing enough.)

That being said, I feel the need to explain a few things and get some feedback from you. My first year in the "art world" was whirlwind and amazing... from being in five different art exhibits with the likes of people such as H.R. Giger, BT Charles, Johnny Flamethrower, Dave Levingston, DVS, Irakly Shanidze, Gary Mitchell, Chris Maher, Adam Owen Layne, Francois Dubeau, Heather Peterman, Lochai, and Carl Oxley III among others to being interviewed and reviewed by Chris St. James for the e-Zine Univers d'Artistes to having collectors from around the world purchase limited edition prints of my art, I am stunned at the success I have enjoyed.

In the meanwhile, my personal life has enjoyed some wonderful things and some heartbreaking things. I have amazing people in my life and I feel truly loved and blessed by having them in my life. I also have a son (who will be five in February... oh my goodness am I getting old) who is the light and darkness of my life. What parent wants to admit that? Few, I would think... but I am not going to lie and say that our life has been easy together... it hasn't. My son has Asperger's Syndrome (a form of Autism) and likely also has something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Conduct Disturbance. He and I just started family therapy again and things are improving; he will also be evaluated in just a few short weeks by a Psychiatrist to give us a more accurate and definitive diagnosis (and prognosis, if applicable) as well as an evaluation as to the appropriateness of medicinal aides. I'm really not thrilled about drugging my child, but if anyone knew what it was like for me and for my parents (with whom I've been living with since I started divorce proceedings a year and a half ago) they would likely not believe what they were seeing. At times it is utter chaos and destructive forces and at other times, there are moments of lucidity in which my loving, baby boy is kissing me all over my face.

Sometimes I go to artists' pages and read their blogs and journals and they're all business - only talking about their art, their trade, their careers and their tools. In all honesty, I usually prefer this because most of the time when artists get personal they're ranting or being all emo and pathetic... Part of me fears that this post is the latter. There are other times when understanding what an artist (whether a painter, photographer, writer or musician) is/was going through when they created particular pieces gives those pieces even more meaning within that context - and there are times that I particularly enjoy hearing about what some of my favourite artists are going through, even if it isn't "relevant." I've tried to keep most of my journals all business but right now I cannot...

I'm struggling. I do not have the time to create art. I do not have the resources or the studio that would facilitate things much more easily, either. Money is getting tighter and tighter and opportunities to shoot even more slim because finding a babysitter is sometimes nigh impossible because of my son's challenges. I've been seriously thinking about selling off my camera, accessories and printer and just walking away from the whole thing, but I know in the end I'll probably regret it even if the only thing I ever shoot with it again is my son as he grows up.

I just don't know where to go next with this whole "thing."

I don't know if I should be pimping the hell out of my prints (they do exist - enquire if interested) to sell them and bring in some extra, well-needed monies or if I should be selling my services in private commissions to pay some bills or if I should smile and be grateful for things as they were in a time when I probably needed it the most.

In the midst of all of this, I've been trying to find a full-time job to provide better care for my son but I live in the cursed (and blessed) state of Michigan which has the highest unemployment rate in the entire United States at 7.5% and there's really nothing here for me. I went on a second interview out of state for a dream job and I have a pretty good indication that I will probably be offered the position. I don't know if I can even take it or if it's prudent to do so right now, but something has to change...

There must be a light at the end of the tunnel, right? Where do I go? What do I do? How can I still express myself when I can't really produce the art that I'm feeling? How will I afford the best things in life for my son? If anyone has any answers - which will really be more along the lines of suggestions and criticisms, I'm all ears...

Why Share?

2007-09-28T10:24:00.000-04:00

It's fairly easy to say why there is value in creating art. It's a natural expression for some. It's a way to communicate. It's a way to articulate what is going on in our souls without using the confines of words. But why share...?

Why share the art with others? Why show them? After all, there are poets and writers who write for years because they need to, but who never share those words because there is no need - the expression was complete.

I started sharing my art at a very difficult time in my life, filled with turmoil. I had been silent for two years with my pain and when it was time for me to finally admit that I was even in pain I could only do so with imagery. Mostly I spoke with paintings but as I spoke up more and more, I used photography as my means of communication... both are natural for me, though photography is sometimes quicker and once I began confessing my secrets, I wanted them to flood out.

I was able to share these secrets in anonymity and enjoyed the small amounts of feedback that I got from others. I must admit, now that I've gained some recognition (which is always surprising to me), I'm no longer anonymous and it's much more vulnerable... and exciting. I'm at a crossroads now and have to decide where to go with this venture, so I've taken the next three months off of showing and exhibiting and trying to ground myself and figure out where to go next.

People's Arts Festival

2007-09-16T22:11:00.000-04:00

Wow... what an amazing experience Saturday was in so many ways.

I was at the inaugural People's Arts Festival at the Russell Industrial Center Saturday for 16 hours and though I'm exhausted, it was all well worth it - so many amazing artists, so many amazing pieces of work, and so many amazing fans and enthusiasts. I had a booth on the street to promote my digital paintings and maternity series and also spent the last two weeks prepping the Streetwise Art gallery on the second floor of Building #2. After talking to Eric Novack yesterday and again today, there were AT LEAST 3,000 people that came through (personally my estimates were a little higher) and the crowds were so diverse and so excited to be there, it was really refreshing.

I was also very surprised that despite the fact that I had nothing at my booth (family friendly art) that really advertised my name, that there were people coming down from the Streetwise Art gallery (erotic art) and recognizing that I was the same artist from my style. That was really nice. It was surprising to me that it made me so excited to be recognized because I was starting to feel a little like I didn't really have a style or a unique perspective to show others.

In fact, one girl came down and found me at the street booth and immediately told me how excited she was to meet me and how much she loved my piece, "What Would Jesus Do?" and would love to hang it up in her apartment. I chuckled and told her to buy it and she replied that she didn't have anything more than a few bucks in her pocket. She was so sweet, a photography student and about to get married next month - so I cut her a deal and she ended up taking home the framed piece with the biggest smile. That felt so good.

I love making art because it's an outlet... a way to express some feelings, emotions and thoughts on topics that sometimes are better articulated in that form versus words. Since I began expressing myself artistically I have never questioned the value in making the art, but I've definitely asked myself a number of times why I share it.

And on that note, I'm exhausted, so this will be continued soon... and more pics to be added for sure.

In the meantime, feel free to visit:

Streetwise Art Gallery at People's Arts Festival

Streetwise Art + People's Arts Festival

2007-09-06T15:47:00.000-04:00

Three Times the Charm!

2007-09-04T00:47:00.000-04:00

Wow! I woke up yesterday morning to find three messages that made me independently happy in so many ways...

#1 - An online erotic art gallery wants to do a feature on me and we're in the process of selecting images and supplying information back and forth to facilitate this... I can't wait to see the response and the review! I think it will be my first official review and I'm very excited and interested to see what is said...

#2 - A gallery in London, England contacted me interested in possibly featuring my artwork in a group show. I don't know that I would be able to afford the shipping costs and I've already promised myself that I will not be pursuing any shows for the rest of the year, but I'm definitely open to see where discussions may go and moreover honoured that I was even contacted in the first place.

#3 - One of my heroes, Francois Dubeau, contacted me after getting my newsletter and looking up some of my art work and I've had some lovely interaction with him so far and some very positive and encouraging words. What an interesting and small world it is that he was checking out my art only to find that I had confessed how much I loved his work!

So that's it for now... been VERY busy getting ready for the Detroit Erotica Ball and the People's Arts Festival/Russell Free Festival, but I'll post up more about that soon. For now, I'm going to pass out and hope that I wake up to three more great emails!

The Art of Ron Mueck

2007-08-24T02:24:00.000-04:00

This guys is AMAZING... Check out the link (I didn't want to repost any images without permission).

Even better? He was involved with Labyrinth (one of my all time favourite movies - go ahead and make fun of me, I'm proud of it...) and was the voice of Ludo, my favourite character.

I'm in love.

Shame on him? Or shame on me?

2007-08-11T19:54:00.000-04:00

I had a long talk with Patty Izzo at Iris Dassault's house in early June about this very topic... I get at least two to three IMs/messages/emails per day from this very same type of guy and I'm at wits end. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know why men in my field don't deal with this but it's disparaging. I'll warn you, I was a very angry person and feel that I should have handled this more calmly, but I let my frustrations get the better of me:

Average Online Boy: i saw on your website where you were looking for models...
Lisolette: sorry, im dealing with packing - leaving for vegas tomorrow at 5 am
Average Online Boy: oh...sounds like fun...well can i leave my # and if you have time later....call me?
Lisolette: i cant take it now and i dont archive messages
Lisolette: would you mind sending me a message after the 20th? :)
Average Online Boy: you dont have anything to write on?
Average Online Boy: sure...want some pics to see if i have what it takes?
Lisolette: no, i just wont find it when i get back, this place is crazy
Lisolette: and sure
Lisolette: send them to madame_lisolette@yahoo.ca
Lisolette: note .ca, not .com
Average Online Boy: your in canada?
Lisolette: no
Lisolette: long story
Average Online Boy: well how come i cant send them here? it was nude erotic modeling right? would that be starring with you???
Average Online Boy: long story? LOL i got time
Lisolette: you do, but i dont
Lisolette: im packing, as i mentioned earlier
Average Online Boy: ok...LOL sorry
Average Online Boy: well how come i cant send them here? it was nude erotic modeling right? would that be starring with you???
Lisolette: i dont have an AOL account
Lisolette: its just a username
Lisolette: and no, you re not "starring" with anyone per se
Lisolette: send me your stuff and i'll take a look
Average Online Boy: well what is the purpose of this modeling? your pleasure? or a magazine or movies or what?
Lisolette: art exhibits
Average Online Boy: do i get to see you naked also? i need something to motivate "him" to stand at attention for his pics LOL
Average Online Boy: and the pictures you want are of my "package" correct?
Lisolette: are you telling me that you cant get hard unless you see a chick naked? ever?
Average Online Boy: possibly...i mean it doesnt just get hard when the wind blows....i have to have touch...or sight or something...
Average Online Boy: eating pussy really does it for me. LOL so if i could do that and then pose for pics it would be better...
Lisolette: look, i dont necessarily need you hard, i need you to be able to follow directions
Lisolette: ugh
Lisolette: get lost
Average Online Boy: oh i can follow directions
Average Online Boy: get lost? for what? you dont like getting oral sex? believe me...me being naked in front of you would arouse you.
Lisolette: look
Lisolette: i dont take pics to get laid
Lisolette: and i'm highly annoyed about getting hit on on a constant basis
Lisolette: by people who think that because I take erotic photography means I'm gonna fuck every model
Lisolette: If you want to make some art, contact me
Lisolette: otherwise go hit on some airhead who might go for this line of bullshit
Average Online Boy: i didnt assume just because i was gonna model nude that you would fuck me....
Average Online Boy: but i would want to get to know you a bit before i just took my clothes off for you.
Average Online Boy: and i had figured that if it got to that point we might be able to do other things as well...if you know what i mean
Lisolette: that's fine, but that's not how you're conducting yourself in this conversation
Lisolette: no, i don't know what you mean
Average Online Boy: i mean that if we met and talked and clicked and were attracted prior to the photo shoot....we could maybe do things like that
Average Online Boy: and then i can recall them in my mind...to retain an erection for the shoot.
Lisolette: so you haven't had any other sexual experiences that you could recall without having to bone me?
Lisolette: is that what you are telling me?
Average Online Boy: well none that would be fresh in my head liek that
Average Online Boy: i mean if i think about my ex...right now. i dont get hard cause i cant stand the bitch...LOL
Average Online Boy: so it would have to be someone i was with recently or was currently with at that time...
Average Online Boy: i am sorry i dont work like most other men...i mean i could stand there and jerk it hard i suppose.....LOL
Lisolette: did you even look at my gallery?
Average Online Boy: but if your single...i know i am single...and i found you attractive...so.... i would want to get to know each other on a personal level possibly...before even doing the modeling thing
Average Online Boy: and yeah i did a while back..send me a link please
Lisolette: http://www.lisolette.com
Lisolette: i invite you to find a hard cock in any of the pics
Average Online Boy: lol well dont need one per say...
Average Online Boy: but it would be a nice peice...which is why i would WANT to be hard.
Average Online Boy: to be different from the rest
Average Online Boy: but you are a single female correct?
Lisolette: yes, but i'm not sure why that matters when it comes to finding models
Average Online Boy: well as i said...id like to get to know you on a personal level...i did see a pic of you in yahoo...and was like...WOW. so i wanted to further get to know you
Average Online Boy: but also if it came down to being sexual....even better...but i am sure if i modeled first...i would get the "i dont mix business with pleasure" or "i dont date clients" so i would rather be personal with you FIRST
Lisolette: i'm not interested, thank you
Average Online Boy: your not interested in having a friend or boyfriend? just a model?
Lisolette: i'm not interested in you

Vegas Sale, Summerotica, RFF

2007-08-11T11:10:00.001-04:00

Last call on my Vegas art sale... check out my last Journal.

Second Summerotica opening on Saturday, August 18th from 8:00 pm til midnight. Check out this Journal entry and this exclusive previews page for more details on the show.

My next (and probably last for the year) show will be at the Russell Free Festival/People's Arts Festival held at the Russell Industrial Center complex on Saturday, September 15th from 11:00 am until 10:00 pm. I'm still waiting on a press release from them, but here's Mark Arminski's MySpace post.

2007-08-10T15:09:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start posting works more frequently as I finish them and I'd love any feedback and criticisms that anyone has to share. It probably won't change much about my style, but it's always interesting to have good ol' fashioned debates about techniques and composition. I love learning...

"Modesty"

Vegas, Baby, Vegas!

2007-08-07T09:54:00.001-04:00

I haven't been on a vacation in nearly 10 years... and now I have an amazing chance to go to Sin City (hotel and airfare paid for me) for five exciting days and four glorious nights beginning next week, so I'm taking the opportunity and seizing it by the... you know, the horns!

Fantastic news, right? Yes! So what's the downside? I'm a starving artist... So while I wouldn't mind if my vacation was just me lounging by the pool for the entire vacation, it might be nice to actually go out to dinner and see a few shows. So I begged, I pleaded, I prodded and I even dogsat for my agent this weekend to persuade him that now is the perfect opportunity to hold a one week sale of my gallery prints AND reduce his commission for the good of the Lisolette Gilcrest Goes to Vegas Charity Fund, and so courtesy of Adam Owen Layne (bless his heart) of Streetwise Art, I'm offering a selection of my prints (including some Limited Edition sets) at up to half price. You will have to contact me via a note here on LiveJournal to purchase your prints! I leave next Sunday morning so the sale ends then, meaning that now is the time to get your prints while the gettin' is good! Check out the sale here:

Vegas, Baby, Vegas!

In the meanwhile, the Summerotica Show at Severance Gallery in Detroit is in full swing and continues through Saturday, August 25th - so check out the gallery in the Eastern Market District each Saturday from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm or call the lovely Director Josefine at 313.832.3744 for a private viewing (ooh la la!). Additionally, due to enormous demand Josefine has scheduled a second reception to be held on Saturday, August 18th from 8:00 pm until midnight - it will be an informal affair with most of the artists making a dish to pass and embracing the opportunity to meet with enthusiasts. If you missed the Opening Reception, don't miss this event! You can see an exclusive preview of the exhibition and some pictures of the first reception at:

Summerotica Opening Reception

Finally, I'm prepping for my next exhibit at the People's Arts Festival/Russell Free Festival hosted at the Russell Industrial Center on Saturday, September 15th, 2007. I'll be exhibiting and selling more prints in an individual kiosk (at my regular prices), as well as being exhibited through a collection that Streetwise Art will be displaying in a private gallery during the festival. The festival promises to be a fantastic time with some of the best artists (in every medium, including performance art, musicians and filmmakers) in the region, so stay tuned for more details on this, too, but be sure to save that date!

Summ(ero)tica

2007-08-02T21:18:00.001-04:00

It was amazing! The opening reception for Summerotica - the inaugural exhibit of the MidWest Society of Erotic Photography was this past Saturday, July 28th at Severance Gallery and I met so many wonderful people!

First there was BT Charles, Irakly Shanidze, Patty Izzo, Allan Teger and VATO, all of whom I've already met and had the fortune to speak to about our craft. I've seen Chris Maher and DVS around at other group exhibitions that we'd been at - like The Dirty Show - but I never approached either before because I've always been so intimidated and shy about meetings these "Greats." I also went to dinner before the show with Iris Dassault and her husband, my agent Adam Owen Layne and his wife and their girlfriend, Jim Young and his wife and business partner, Gary M and Stephen Thorne. The highlight of my night was meeting Dave Levingston - who I actually first discovered a year ago on deviantART and was thrilled to find out was part of MWSEP and would be at the exhibition!

I still haven't had the fortune of meeting Cheryl Button, CKreationz, Johnny Flamethrower, AJ Kahn, Frank Piccolo, Bob Pope, and Bob Randall, but their work at the show was stunning! The show runs through Saturday, August 25th and there's some rumours that there may be a mid-Show reception or Closing Reception, so stay tuned for details!

Illin'

2007-05-31T02:55:00.000-04:00

Man, oh man... I've been asleep for about four days, I'd say. I don't know what hit me or what I still have, but it has completely wrecked me.

I hope I can get my energy back up for this weekend. I'm supposed to attend a lovely party on Saturday night at Iris's and help Adam set up the "Who Arted?" exhibit on Sunday. I also need to finish up any pieces I plan on exhibiting by then. I know for sure I'm exhibiting two new pieces... One is a fun and playful collection and is a challenge to traditional Erotica... the other was intended as conceptual for an upcoming shoot, but I ended up liking it a great deal. I'm supposed to prep up to two more pieces... but we'll see. I just want to be able to get out of bed and not swoon.

Who Arted? (Art Show June 7th)

2007-05-22T14:26:00.000-04:00

I will be in a one day group exhibit on Thursday, June 7th featuring contemporary rising artists in a reception from 8:00 to 10:00 p.m., followed by two sweet ass concerts.

Clutch Cargo's will be hosting an art exhibit in their iLounge, followed by a concert by the amazing Suicide Holiday with special guest Cerilia... just $10 at the door for entry to the exhibit and concert!

Come on out and buy me a drink and some great art, too!

Any questions? Shoot me a line and I'll be happy to answer!

Clutch Cargo's iLounge
65 East Huron
Pontiac 48342-2204

I'm happy to say that Cory Thompson (a friend of a good friend), Samarel (my newest cohort), as well as my agent's newest client - the (in)famous BT Charles... love that dude, will be in this show.

Well it's official...

2007-05-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

I have recently signed on with Adam Owen Layne of Streetwise Art to represent me as my agent. I met Adam last fall at The Dirty Show and was immediately impressed by his charisma, intelligence and appreciation for art in every medium. Adam is also a talented photographer and a great friend to boot! I'm looking forward to working alongside him, developing my art and challenging myself in all new directions while he handles more of the logistical aspects, and growing together!

In the meanwhile, I've firmed up a collaboration with internationally reknown digital artist Samarel. I also became familiar with Samarel through The Dirty Show, seeing his work "Enter" and "Inner Kiss" at this past show in February and falling madly in love with his style - vibrant colors, sexy imagery, and a sort of romanticism which I think gets lost in erotica today. I will be serving as a contributing photographer for some of his work, providing him with images that he will morph into his own visions and fantasies to share with the rest of us.

Totally unexpectedly, I received quite an honour when I was contacted by photog genius BT Charles two weeks ago to invite me to join the exclusive Mid West Society of Erotic Photography. There are currently only twenty-one members in the group hailing from Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio and the Windsor, Ontario area and I am pleased to announce that we have our inaugural Erotica Photography Show Opening Reception on Saturday, July 28th, 2007 in Detroit, Michigan... so save this date and stay tuned for more details to follow!

Additionally, I have a one day group exhibit coming up on Thursday, June 7, 2007 from 8:00 pm to 10:00 pm at Clutch Cargo's in Pontiac, Michigan - so save that date! The exhibit will be followed by a concert by the amazing Suicide Holidays... just $10 at the door for entry to the exhibit and concert!

Finally, I've found myself in another unexpected but welcomed position of late. Years ago I was named the Dow Jones National High School Journalism Scholar of the year and won a journalism scholarship. I spent my Freshman year studying journalism and communications, but ultimately my interests veered towards a different degree. However, I think the cosmos is pulling me back in the direction of photojournalism, as I've been shooting a lot of Detroit area events for my own enjoyment lately. Whether it's composed or spontaneous, I love using photography to document the human condition. I've been contacted by several media represenatitves and local periodicals asking for my work for publication and at present, I'm considering several freelance opportunities. At the moment, I'm up for consideration for publication at JPG Magazine for my photojournalism piece "Anachronists" and my Photo Essay "American Dreams" so take a gander and vote!

Oh yeah... as if that weren't enough on my plate, I've recently taken up watercolors and found a whole new appreciation for that artform, so keep an eye on my gallery for new paintings to be posted soon!

http://www.streetwiseart.com
Streetwise Art (coming soon, bookmark it now!)

http://www.samarelart.com
Samarel's Digital Art

http://www.btcharles.com
BT Charles' Art Portfolio

http://www.mwsep.com/
Mid West Society of Erotic Photography (also under construction, bookmark it now!)

http://www.jpgmag.com/photos/138810
Vote now for "Anachronists" to be published in JPG Magazine

http://www.jpgmag.com/stories/779
Vote now for "American Dreams" to be published in JPG Magazine

http://www.lisolette.com
My Gallery!

Wonderfully Chaotic

2007-04-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

Alright, here goes...

Life has been wonderfully chaotic these past few months, so I've barely been able to keep up with all of comments and messages I've been getting, but please do not think they're not appreciated! I've got to say that I'm at the point that I don't know if I will be able to keep up with all of the activity online. I can barely find time to do art, so there is a delicate balance between showing appreciation to my fans (and critics) and producing more work to be enjoyed (and criticized). I hope you will all be patient with me and understanding as well if I don't get back with you right away.

"Wonderfully chaotic." Yep, I said it. I have two 99.9999% certain art-related business partnerships coming down the pipeline, including an agent and a collaboration with an incredibly talented artist. I won't say who just yet, as that is bad ju-ju, but I can say I'm incredibly excited to be working with these two men soon. Stay tuned for official announcements soon. Oh yeah, I just revamped my official website's gallery, so go check that out, too, and lemme know what you think! Oh... and I just celebrated my 1 year anniversary as an artist! I consider March 22, 2006 my birth as an "artist" (although it's certainly debateable that we're all artists from the moment we're born, but that's too philosophical for me right now), when I posted my first attempt at creating art, "A Paragon of Symmetry."

I have been struggling with my job. To maintain some privacy I won't go into too much detail, other than to say that I'm being put between a rock and a hard place and what was supposed to become a very handsome full-time position as of the beginning of this month got nixed by the CEO and President in a generic hiring freeze. Wankers! So in the meantime, I'm still a contractor, making enough money to get by and even spoil my son a bit, but without any benefits, including medical insurance. (My son's four-year wellness visit just cost me $296.00, weeeeeeeee!)

Speaking of my son, he's been my biggest challenge. I've recently discovered that he is a likely candidate for having High Functioning Autism/Asperger Syndrome. He just started in a special education preschool program and so far the results have been great... however, I know a number of you have been dieing to get together, pose, or just get a response from me... but please understand, he is my number one priority. As many of you may know, I'm a single mother but have an incredible support structure with my parents - so that's been great, but I can't keep my son in a daycare (he keeps getting expelled because of his disability) and that's making it very difficult to work a full-time schedule and demonstrate the serious productivity I could otherwise. This was part of the difficulty in me not getting hired full-time earlier and of course, RIGHT when I was approved and ready, the company installed a hiring freeze.

Laugh. It's okay. I did. It's pretty much my luck. But remember, I said "wonderfully chaotic." I'm really enjoying life right now and starting to feel like I'm living again. I've made some great online friends and really started to blossom back into the woman I once was.

And speaking of the woman I once was... I started working out again and readjusting my diet for a healthier lifestyle. My overall goal is to lose up to 75 pounds and in this first couple of weeks, I've already lost 12. If anyone has any suggestions or links they want to share for online resources, I'd love to see 'em, though I'm pretty confident that I'm doing this in a healthy, functional way and I've consulted my doctor on all of my shenanigans.

I didn't post tonight to pimp or promote anything, just wanted to say hello to everyone and kinda let you know where I've been.

In the meantime, to celebrate my anniversary I guess I'll highlight some of the artwork that I've produced in this first year that either has significant meaning to me or that I'm particularly proud of:

Chapter 5: Porte Maillot

2007-03-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

We all have our vices and shortcomings. Sometimes they are completely out of our control - and this is the case for Gaston. He snores so incredibly loud and with such force, I sometimes wonder if he is actually human or a grizzly bear. He also passes gas in his sleep, which I find repulsive. I suppose it's somewhat natural, but it's so abrupt and uncouth, and, of course, it's not like he can pardon himself in his sleep. Maybe I’m hyper-sensitive to this issue because Gaston only seems to pass gas once it's finally quiet and I'm nearing that elusive state of sleep - only to be jerked back to consciousness by such unpleasantness.

For the first few weeks of our arrangement I tried to sleep beside him; for the first few nights I was able to catch some rest. Then for the next few nights I tried turning on a lamp and reading, but that usually disturbed Gaston. I couldn't get up and go to another room for Gaston would surely wake and it would be entirely counter-productive to me even being there in the first place. So I practiced laying there... I'd let my mind wander and fantasize about a life I will never know. It was there that I got my first inspiration to write. Myriads of stories came to me as I lay there in the darkness, with only the sound of Gaston's discordant opera.

Of course, my ideas started out very cliché -- the damsel in distress, the evil oppressor, the abusive father. Eventually, I grew some creativity and a yearn to actually write. Most of my stories reflected my inner demons. Most of them are a bit bizarre and esoteric. Most of them are a wild call out for attention, but then, most authors would say the same if they did any real introspection.

For months, I practiced this routine of meditating beside Gaston and letting my mind wander along the different paths that one of my plots might take me, but I got to the point where even that could not entertain me and I felt such a restlessness, that I went to the Doctor and feigned insomnia. He gave me some paroxetine and I have to admit, I took more than I was supposed to. I couldn't help it. I blame that damn dream. I would close my eyes and think of him... of Etienne. For most of my life I've been able to just go back to sleep and resume my dreams, but this one eluded me. During this time Gaston became a bit more physical with me. I don't know if he noticed my state of distraction and was trying to win me back or if he was taking my increased presence as a token of affection. The only thing I knew is that all I wanted to do was sleep... to just see Etienne once more...

Then it happened. I saw him... I swear I did... he looked like so much like the Etienne of my dream... I ran after that metro. I embarrassed myself terribly... I was pushing and screaming, waving and making a huge commotion. I only saw his profile, but I swear it was him. He was getting on at Porte Maillot. I happened to be wandering around aimlessly trying to break out of my daze from those damn pills. I had exited and just sat down on a bench to watch the people walk by. I had been sitting there for hours and was beginning to grow uncomfortable. A man, very tall, rushed past me to jump on to the metro... this is what caught my eye. He stepped in just before the doors closed, looked down at his right hand to check his watch, and the metro whirled off. I don't even remember what exactly I did -- I just pushed and shoved forward toward him. I think I was shouting, "Etienne! Etienne!" He didn't seem to notice.

I stood there staring at the empty space and doubted myself. Maybe it wasn’t him after all. Perhaps I was just wishing it was him. I waited in that station until the last metro departed, thinking he might make his round-trip home, but I didn't see him. I decided on the walk home that I would return the next day, in hopes that I might see this man once more.

***********************************

This last week has whirled by me like most dreams do – with little concept of time, skipping from scene to scene and experiencing a range of emotions in an incredibly short period of time.

I’m still unsure at this point what is or was real and how much was my projected desires…

I went back to Porte Maillot and I sat for days on the same bench, facing the same direction. I even packed meals so that I never had to leave that bench, except for bathroom breaks – which broke my heart to take and which were taken with great expediency. I even gave one woman 100 francs to let me go ahead of her and each time I feared that that would be the moment that he walked by… but I made sure to reserve myself for the timeframe in which I had last seen him. I was growing to fear that it might be only a once a week or once a month thing… or worse, perhaps a once in a lifetime thing. After several days, I was disheartened, but nowhere near losing hope – with Gaston’s financial support, I had all day long to wait for him. Granted, I would get nothing accomplished in that time, but this had become so important to me, I was willing to take risk that time lost. I used that time to do some serious people watching, and even gained some inspiration for more stories – which I will elaborate on later.

One evening – late after the last metro stopped, I decided to walk the Rue… to breathe the air and see the sights and moreover just to clear my head. As I was walking, I spotted a man walking in the same direction on the opposite side of the street, seemingly unaware of me. So I quickly crossed over and was about 10 metres ahead of him. I thought he looked like Etienne, but it was very dark and I could not tell – I needed some excuse to stop, turn around and stare at him.

“Ask him for the time?” I thought. “Ask him for directions? I could just trip and fall, hoping that he would come to my aide and if he didn’t, then he wasn’t the Etienne of my dreams.” My mind was racing. “How do I do this without making an ass of myself?”

Suddenly, I just felt myself turning to stare at the Krasnyansky in the window of a small art shoppe that I had been the week before. I just stared intently at the window and waited for him to pass so I could look at his reflection in the moonlight. I was acting on pure impulse at this point. As he neared, I began to panic as I realized I might not get a good look at him. A few seconds went by when I expected his silhouette to have passed the window.

“Pardonnez-moi, mademoiselle,” he interrupted my panic. “Do you know when this shoppe opens?”

I turned quickly to find him standing just feet away and stared at him awestruck. It was him. He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with me staring at him. He spoke up again to clarify, since I must have looked like I never heard his question in the first place.

“Mademoiselle? The shoppe…? Do you know? I’m interested in that Krasnyansky…”

“The shoppe…” I stammered, “it opens at 8 a.m. and the Krasnyansky has already been purchased… I inquired about it last week…”

I couldn’t believe it. This was my Etienne… his voice, his lips, his eyes… everything. The only thing that was different was his height, I think… he seemed a bit shorter – he must have been just a bit exaggerated in my dream. And he was trying to buy my Krasnyansky!

“That’s too bad,” he commented, “it would have gone very well with the other… Well, thank you for your time, adieu…” and he started to walk away. He was walking back out of my life again and, at this point, I wasn’t certain that this wasn’t a dream – it was too coincidental for chance.

My head started to swirl and I heard someone asking, “Which one do you have?” He paused and turned back to respond “Ceremony.”

I soon realized the voice was my own. “That… is one of my favourites… My other favourite is ‘City Serenade.’”

“You have good taste indeed, mademoiselle.”

“Merci, Etienne.”

It slipped. I swear. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t even think about it – it was like two old souls in harmony.

“Pardonnez-moi, mademoiselle?”

I started to feel nauseous. My head was spinning and my heart was pounding. “What had I just done? What had I just said?”

“My pardons… but you look just like a friend of mine, named Etienne,” I lied through my teeth to save myself from embarrassment.

“That is a funny thing,” he said, “my name is Etienne.”

I passed out. It must have been funny to a passerby, but it wasn’t funny then. I didn’t even know that women really did that, I thought it was just a bad ploy for unimaginative storytellers, but the truth is that it happened.

“Mademoiselle? Mademoiselle…? Are you alright?” He tapped my cheek gently. He had sat me up in his arms, I guess to get my head off of the dirty street.

“Mademoiselle… eh… what is your name, if I may ask?”

“Lisolette,” I mumbled trying to get my bearings.

“Mademoiselle Lisolette, would you like to get some water and rest a bit? My flat is at the end of the block…” and he nodded ahead.

I nodded appreciatively and silently. I couldn’t pass up this chance – but should I tell him of my dream? Surely, he would have thought me mad, or worse, realized I orchestrated our introduction and think that I had feigned illness to get his attention. My head… it hurt so badly. I rubbed it a bit and took his arm to help me up.

“What harm will it do him if I don’t tell him?” I have no ill intentions and do not mean to betray him. If I tell him now, I’ll never get this chance again – not without more deceit.” I decided to keep my mouth shut, “ferme la bouche, Lisolette…” I thought to myself.

“Would you like my arm there? To steady your step?”

“Oui, merci beaucoup…” I said, still rubbing my head. I was starting to feel like a giddy like a schoolgirl.

He was so polite and so formal, I laughed to myself thinking, “if he only knew that I was a cortisanne…” It was a bittersweet thought.

We walked quietly to his loft. He opened every door to let me in first, he was kind and sweet with his words. When I walked in to his loft, I was astonished. Of course, I saw the Krasnyasnky – but the rest of his loft was covered in rich, beautiful colors. Rather than the nouveau cold black and white decorations or the terrible eclectic collections of a typical bachelor’s pad, most of it was done in rich browns and dark blues. To match were other great artists, like Tarkay and van Gogh and others that I did not recognize, but with enormous talent.

He handed me a water and excused himself for a moment. I sat down on his couch and admired the art – one in particular was fascinating. When he returned, I asked him what it was and he told me it was a Cherneshevsky that he acquired while he was in the USSR.

“What were you doing there?” Of course, as soon as I asked, I realized how intrusive the question was, but before I could take it back or pardon myself, he answered.

“I was in Voronezh on a freelance project…”

It was ambiguous, at best, but I had already pushed it with the first question, so I didn’t press it further. Perhaps realizing how cryptic he had been, he added, “I’m a photographer.”

“What was your project?” Now I was just blurting things like a schoolgirl. I swear I must have grown red. This time, I was embarrassed by his answer.

“I really cannot say… it was for a private investor.” The word “investor” was strained and it made me wonder, which of course, caught me off-guard, when he asked, “What about you, eh, Lisolette?”

“Damn,” I thought. I hate this question. I usually avoid all conversation related to it – but I got caught up unexpectedly. His way was so disarming; I had let myself let my guard down for a moment.

“I am a personal assistant for a financial mogul.” Damn him for making me lie to him again. Damn him for tricking me into the subject. And damn him for being so incredibly much like the Etienne of my dream.

“You look a bit familiar… I mean aside from the fact that you bear an uncanny resemblance to my friend…” oh God, the lie was growing, “do I know you from somewhere?”

“Likely not… I’m originally from Provence and honestly I work too much to have much of a social life.”

“I see… must just be the resemblance… funny coincidence…”

At that moment, I heard some rustling in the back of the flat, near where I suspect the bedroom would be. Out of instinct, I looked down at his hand and realized he was wearing a wedding ring. I don’t know why I assumed he was single – probably because I wanted him to be. I looked up abashed and looked around for a clock.

“It’s late,” I said. “I should be on my way…”

I stood up flushed -- suddenly embarrassed at my assumption and behaviour. I was angry, too. I was too late... possibly. Who knows? Maybe he was a real and I would have hated him in the end. I knew deep down that wasn’t the case, but I needed to think those thoughts in order to keep it together and to console myself at that moment.

I babbled some gracious words and gathered up my things. Etienne tried to assure me that my presence was alright, but more than anything I felt like a fool and wanted to get the hell out of there. Etienne said something as I ran out waving goodbye in an awkward fashion, I wish now that I knew what it was, but at the time I was damning him for his lovability.

And that's it. Rather anti-climactic. And, of course, it's all I can think about. I keep replaying the scene in my head. Wondering what would have happened had I made an advance on him and his wife came out... or what might have happened had he shown interest and then found out what I am.

Chapter 4: Endless Days

2007-03-23T22:48:00.000-04:00

I never tell Gaston what I'm doing during the day, whether it's legitimate or nefarious because I don’t think he could possibly stomach it. It’s not so much that I take commissions with other men that frequently, however, I will not deny that I do on occasion, especially if that commission has been a regular with me for some time or even if I’m mildly entertained by them. However, I don’t think Gaston could stand it to think about his "wife" with “other men” and I think Gaston has grown some affection for me personally, although he would never admit that since it would also require him to admit our charade to himself and it is clear that he is enjoying the illusion. More often than not, though, I fill my day running errands and going shopping – both of which are really just an excuse for me to watch other people since my life is so mundane otherwise. I think this, too, would be cause to make Gaston recognize that I am not his Chloë, who seems by all accounts to have been filled with a vivacity and love for life.

I think it also bothers Gaston to know that even though the Francs that he gives me are clearly enough for a salary, I continue to do what I do. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why that is. I think that part of me is afraid one day that Gaston will abandon me and that I will be back out on the street on my derriere starting from zero again if I don’t maintain some contacts and prospective work. Sometimes I'm more honest with myself and I admit that I do it simply because it's all that I am. I do it because some small part of me enjoys doing it. I also cannot deny that I do it because I know I’m good at it and I will never be anything more than a cortisanne. It's all I will ever know and all that I'll ever be able to rely on.

I learned my lesson once about relying on someone else. I started out low and went even lower before I ended up where I am now. I never want to go back to that place and I have to embrace that I can't go anywhere else. What would I put on my resume: "Whore extraordinaire?"

I have done very bad things in the past and I could do them again, if I wanted to… as far as I know my contacts still exist. I did those things once strung out on drugs and alcohol and willed by extortion. I'm sure if I were ever in that position again, I'd have to drown myself to the point of delusion and justify my actions in a three hour high because I was so suicidal for so long last time when I finally broke that vicious cycle that I’m not sure that I could last through it again… but things are different now. I have no one precious to me. I have no harbinger. I have no hope. I have no future.

Even with the aide of drugs and alcohol, I’m not sure I could ever return to him again. I won't take those things away from other people because I don't have them anymore. I'm bitter, not malicious. At least I'd like to think so.

I'm a prostitute, because it's who I am. I turn tricks and play escort to men who pay me money… many different men. Because of this my personality must be dynamic. I change who I am for who they are. In a sense, I guess that makes me nothing.

But I was something once... before that night... and I did have life and vivacity like Chloë. Perhaps that is what reminds Gaston most of her when he looks at me. Maybe there’s a flicker in my eyes and he sees the passion within me to live hidden deep beneath the layers of fear, abuse and pain.

I’ve heard some people say that to be alone, or maybe better word is “lonely” is the worst feeling in the world. I’ve often thought about this adage, because most of my life has been spent in a private fashion and I wondered how this could be worse for more solitary individuals like myself, than say the grief over having loved someone who didn’t love you back. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that loneliness was not worse than two other things that others I know have personally experienced. At least if you lose someone, you’ve had the opportunity to love. But loving someone who cannot return that love – this, this was the worst potential thing I could think of to happen to any good soul. I can’t say that I have ever really experienced this, not in an adult love anyways.

I thought that I loved a young man in school. He broke my heart, as most young men do to their lovers and I spent one evening crying behind St. Catherine’s. It was a beautiful church, with an amazing scene behind it that was illuminated at night and the iconic saints, mother Mary and Jesus upon the cross would glow with a life-like aura. I remember being struck as a little girl by the statues at night after going to a midnight mass with my mother. After mass my mother took me outside to look at the scene in back and she told me how she used to go there as a girl and pray or talk to them when she had troubles. She told me that once she thought she saw the mother Mary move – she was sure she was not mistaken – but, of course, she never saw it again. I found solace there, mostly because it made me think of her and her wisdom and words.

On this afternoon, I went behind the church heartbroken about Pierre to cry and grieve and ask God how he could be so cruel. I was there for several hours sitting and thinking when suddenly I felt like a selfish child. How could I be cursing God about Pierre’s lack of love towards me, when God probably felt that way most of the time with most of the people in the world – including me? I couldn’t help thinking that if we all were God’s children how painful it must be for Him to love us and for most of us not to love Him in return – or worse, just forget about Him and that He’s watching us like a proud parent.

I cannot deny that I’ve often questioned a lot of things about God and if He even exists – and whether He does or not – the mere idea that if He does exist, He is probably in much more pain that I could even imagine. This very thought made me feel very small and very spoiled at that moment. It was an odd epiphany, especially considering I did not think myself particularly religious or at least not dogmatic.

It was also then that I decided for this reason that my loneliness without Pierre could not be the worst thing for me to experience and that although I felt rejected, there was indeed a worse fate than his ignorance at what I had to offer him.

There is something that is much more treacherous – betrayal and abandonment. These two things by their very definition mean either gaining of one’s trust and friendship intentionally to harm them or for your own personal gain – or simply because they’ve reprioritized their own needs above others without consideration for them.

That’s more than simple ignorance; it’s neglect through malice.

In the long run I can deal with betrayal, because while the sting of betrayal burns deep – I’ve always said it is best to cut your losses there and be grateful that their darkness is out of your life forever. But abandonment… for me it is the worst pain imaginable. It leaves you wondering why they left, when they’ll be coming back and hoping for some justifiable explanation as to why they couldn’t be there for you. A desperate hope… for something…